


Letting Go

by MeredithBrody



Category: Designated Survivor (TV)
Genre: F/M, Hate Sex, so much hate sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-19
Updated: 2017-12-19
Packaged: 2019-02-17 02:22:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13067130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MeredithBrody/pseuds/MeredithBrody
Summary: Pushing each other to the edge comes with unforeseen outcomes.(Don't even ask me how this started but I wrote it and it's 2600+ words so you better be sure I'm posting it.)





	Letting Go

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Fibi94](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fibi94/gifts), [PinkAngel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/PinkAngel/gifts).



> So, this is entirely blamed on Fibi94's fic over on ff.net, because it got a few of us thinking over "what if" scenarios and this was one of the ones that came into my brain and wouldn't leave. I'll be back to posting my other fic tomorrow, most likely, but I wrote this in 2 hours and it's almost 3000 words and I know at least 2 people who will be interested in it so FUCK IT. 
> 
> There is a tonne of swearing and graphic sex in this so, you know, if that isn't your scene then don't read.

He'd been avoiding being alone with her for the last six months, but sometimes he couldn't avoid it forever. The last time they'd been alone together he'd kissed her, and for a moment she'd been receptive. Then it was like they'd both remembered who they were. That had been three months after the accident, and he hadn't even thought about that with anyone until that drunken, stupid moment. He couldn't avoid her now, though, and really didn't want to either. She'd been the one to draw the short straw into taking him home after the party, they'd both been drinking... and now they were arguing with each other. Just like last time. 

Maybe it was the grief. He knew it was still there, nine months didn't make it magically disappear, or maybe it was that there was still some part of him that blamed her for surviving when Alex didn't. He knew that she still blamed him for making them fight it, and she was angry at him for freezing her out at the worst possible time. She'd followed him through to the residence, just like all the others had done when they brought him back, but unlike them, she hadn't stopped at the door, she'd followed him in, still yelling at him. He was glad that Penny and Leo weren't in this part of the residence right now because he didn't know how to stop this fight now it had started.

“What even do you want from me!?” He yelled back, finally snapping at the constant barrage of anger and noise. Honestly, he hadn’t known that Kendra could be so loud, or so persistent. She had always been quiet and focused before. Even the last time, the fight hadn’t been nearly this heated. At that point, he hadn’t cared what she wanted, to a point he still didn’t. This wasn’t his fault, sure he now realised it wasn’t really her fault, but it was easier to blame her than accept that this was some act of God or freak accident or anything that meant he couldn’t blame someone.

“I just want you to admit that you still have issues from Christmas. Issues with me, with everyone.” She yelled back, stopping at the window on almost the opposite side of the room. Normally, Tom would have stayed away but for some reason he started stepping toward her, needing her to understand that he was always going to have issues. He lost his wife, and Kendra had come away from that with little more than a bruise. “I want you to stop pretending that you’re who you were last year.”

“I’m not!” He took another step closer, and to her credit, she stood her ground entirely. Not even flinching as he got almost right into her face, she wasn’t that much shorter than him, especially in heels, and that made this fight easier to have. He didn’t have to look down, he didn’t have to stop to think that she couldn’t keep up with his long strides. Right now though, the fact he could look directly into her eyes as he punctuated what he thought was a bonus. “I am being what everyone else needs of me. The President.”

“I don’t give a shit if you’re the President right now. I don’t give a shit about the office or what anyone else wants from you.” Kendra’s response shocked him, as did the change in her voice, no longer high pitched and loud. It dropped several decibels and two octaves to a low, throaty growl. She looked just as angry at him as he was at her, but he had to admit it felt good to hear someone say they didn’t give a shit. Have someone push him in a way nobody had in months. “I don’t give a shit if you fire me in the morning. Someone has to call you out on your bullshit, and you barely even look at me anyway. Might as well be me.”

It took him back, and for a second he had no idea how to respond to that. There were things that he knew he needed to work on but he couldn’t, he didn’t have the time. She hadn’t been there for him either, had she? She’d been avoiding him as much as he’d been avoiding her. Sending Emily or Seth to give him her briefs. Running everything through Aaron or Lyor. “I’m not the only one who has shit to work out, am I? I’m not gonna fire you, Ken.” He had thought about it, more than once. He’d wondered if it was going to be something that he would eventually have to do because their working relationship had broken down. But it wasn’t what he wanted to do even if he could barely stand to look at her. That was when he realised that she was this reckless because he wasn’t the only one who thought about Christmas. He leant forward to whisper in her ear instead. “I’m not the only one who hates you for surviving, am I? You hate yourself.”

He was faster than her arm, and he caught it before she had the chance to slap him and this time he wasn’t going to let her take a second aim. “Go fuck yourself, Tom Kirkman.” There was a venom in her voice that he was excited to hear, and he couldn’t explain why, she stopped trying to fight him and dropped her arm, then the scariest thing he could imagine started to happen, a smile spread across her face and she just looked at him. “You like part, don’t you? This is what happened last time we were alone too.” They were almost nose to nose, he could smell the alcohol she’d drank on her breath as no doubt she could with him. “Is that how you get your rocks off now? Fighting? You’re pathetic.”

“You have an overactive imagination, Kendra.” He tried to deny it, but there were parts of him that he knew already betrayed it. Oh, how he hated himself for this. Turned on by fighting with his lawyer. Not that she seemed to be entirely unaffected by it. Her breathing was ragged, and the flush to her cheeks told him that maybe she wasn’t as unaffected as he was. He went back to her ear, speaking lowly, quietly. “Or maybe it’s what you want, maybe it’s a fantasy you have… you just had to get mad.” He then kissed the skin below her ear, trailing down her neck, only stopping at her collarbone because her dress covered below it. 

He gave her the opportunity to step away. He knew this crossed almost every ethical and moral line that he’d ever had… but fuck he needed this. Tom needed something to let him escape from his every day, from the anger and the hate, and Kendra had opened herself to it. She hadn’t moved, but with her eyes closed. He just smiled to himself, then nipped at the skin on her collarbone, hearing a low groan in response. He did it again, wondering if he’d get anything more than that and instead her hands went to his shoulders, holding him there, not pushing him away like he’d expected. “Fuck you.”

Grinning a little he placed his hands on her hips as he kissed back up her neck, enjoying the control he had when he spoke directly into her ear, especially as right now he could feel the responses as well as seeing them. He could be just as angry, just as aggressive, and still make this something they could both enjoy. Wasn’t that part of doing something like this? “I think, my dear, you’d rather me fuck you.” He was enjoying this far too much, and maybe part of the attraction was that they should both know better than to go through with this. They should both know not to let this keep going.

And yet, her hands were still on his shoulders, and when her first and only response to his comment was to push the jacket from him then open her eyes when he pulled back. He let his hands roam up her body to the zipper at the back, waiting for her permission to pull it down. However angry he was, however much he needed this, he wasn’t going to push if she changed her mind. “If you’re going to fuck me, Tom… don’t pussyfoot around.” There was still an edge, an anger, to her voice. One that spurred him on and instead of unzipping her dress he spun her around, pushing her forwards against the wall. Clearly, they both wanted the same thing, and that was something that meant nothing. Stress relief. 

He dragged her dress up over her hips, and for some reason was a little surprised to find she was wearing a thong. That was a naughty side of her that he’d never even imagined, and he liked it, even more, it was definitely going to make this easier. He stepped up so his chest was pressed against her back, and ran a finger along her slit as he had her there, speaking again straight into her ear. “Looks like I was right, all this fighting had you excited, didn’t it?” He kept moving his fingers along her, toying with her a little. He might want this too, but more than anything he wanted to play with her. There was no reason they couldn’t get what they wanted but both have to suffer as well.

Finding her clit he rubbed it in small circles, adding more pressure than he usually would, causing her to yelp a little. His other arm on the wall over her head, helping keep him propped at this angle so he could still speak. “So sensitive to a little pressure, I could do more, make you feel more. Show you how much I fucking hate you.” He kept speaking, moving his fingers faster before abruptly pulling them from her clit and pushing them straight inside her. He felt her body jerk at the quick change, but he saw the look of contentment on her face. That wasn’t what he wanted, not yet. “Who said you could enjoy it.”

She whimpered quietly as he pulled his fingers away again and he left her for a second, wondering momentarily if she felt exposed. Some of his rage slipping away as he looked at her. He slipped off his belt and kicked his pants off then came up behind her again, his hand going back to her slit as he closed his eyes. This was so different to anything he’d ever done before, but he couldn’t stop, couldn’t even think. “You still want to fuck me, Kendra. You still want to make me admit I’m not who I used to be?” He asked those questions as his fingers found her clit again. He didn’t even really care if he hurt her - until she told him to stop he was thinking it as fair game. “If you want to forget this, tell me to stop right now.” 

There was nothing from her, not a word or a sound, he watched her lick her lips before she opened her eye to look at him. That big, Bambiesque brown eye looking at him and he couldn’t hold back any longer. He just moved forward and pushed himself inside of her, pulling her hips back just a little to make the angle easier for him. She felt different, of course, she did, but sex was pretty much the same. When there was no emotion to it, all he needed to think about was the mechanics. He used the same hand to reach around her and keep rubbing her clit as he stilled, in as deeply as he could go. “This what you wanted, Kendra? Is this proof enough I’m not who I used to be?” 

“Fuck you.” The first words she’d said since he had her here, and once again they were words of defiance. The words she’d said most to him tonight. He could live with that because he had been a bastard, he had wanted her to fight him, he had wanted her to break him. “Don’t even pretend this is about me, you just wanted someone to fuck.” She was right, of course. It wasn’t about her, but it also was. He couldn’t have done this with anyone else. He didn’t hate them enough, he didn’t hate himself enough. At the same time, she was the only one who had helped him feel better at all, even if it was through making him hate her all the more.

He started pounding into her, there was no care, no gentleness, and as her fingers went over his hand and dug her nails in he just felt himself speed up all the more. There were no more words, nothing else either of them could say that wasn’t just going to piss the other off further. This was firmly set, and he didn’t need to think about it. His fingers and movements kept going until he felt her stiffen, her muscles clenching and she let out an almighty groan. He didn’t care, he pushed through it until a moment later he felt his own orgasm follow. It took everything in him to keep going until he was empty, and then he just leant forward, resting against her back. Both trying to catch their breaths. 

He didn’t move until he’d softened and pulled out, then he just pulled his boxers up, grabbing some tissue from the box on the table and helping Kendra pull her skirt back down after she’d cleaned herself up a little. Now they were done the anger had all but entirely faded. When he looked at Kendra he saw her, not the person he’d been imagining for months. She was every bit as broken and damaged as he was, and maybe this was the night that could break them of the unhealthy thoughts they’d had. “You’re welcome to stay in a guest room.” He offered, thinking it was the only polite thing he could do. She probably couldn’t drive. “Or I can get the secret service to take you home.”

“I should… probably go home, sir.” She replied, and somehow she managed to look in his eyes. He reached out and placed his hand on her cheek. The walls back up between them, no mention of this would be made again. Next time she escorted him back, maybe he should tell her to stay in the car. She should go home, but there was a part of Tom that didn’t want her to. He wanted her to stay, he wanted to talk.

Then he realised, he didn’t want her. He still wanted Alex, and for just a moment he’d convinced himself that hating her or sex with someone would break him of that need for his wife. But it hadn’t, and he couldn’t keep blaming Kendra for his problems. He picked up the phone and said that she was going to need a ride home. Then he stepped up and pulled her into a close hug and whispered again in her ear. This time he hoped with far less menace than he had been all night. “Thank you, Ken.” 

“Thank you, sir.” She smiled as she pulled back, and for a second he wondered if she felt the same sudden relief and release that he did. She definitely didn’t seem to hate him, which was the only thing he’d truly been afraid of. She picked up her bag and walked to the door, while he just slid down onto the couch and picked up a picture of Alex, running his finger over it. She wouldn’t approve of what had just happened, but he needed to start letting go of that, and as much as he hated it… he needed to start letting go of her.


End file.
